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Through My Lens

I Dream a Dream

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Some nights I lay awake

Still,
Alone
Just my thoughts and I
Tears streaming down
Wondering if I actually said
What I was feeling out loud
Would it change anything?
I hurt so deeply
I’m numb
Façade
I don’t trust anyone enough…
Enough for them to understand
But not pity me
Don’t get me wrong
I’m no damsel in distress
I just long for some understanding…

Understanding from a familiar place

From days gone past

A lifetime ago

A long lost dream
I dream to get back to
But not in this life I’m afraid
I would have to travel a long way
Or so it would seem in this dimension
But a blink of an eye in the next
I dream of the home
Where she is
Home…
My home
You left me stranded
Now I seek shelter
In places that somewhat bear some resemblance
To you but deep down I know are just cheap thrills
Temporary highs to balance out the lows
Lows
I found a good one for a while
I felt like I could breathe again
Just like Novacaine
I could feel some version of normal
This new normal
I did not choose this you see
There are no rules or guidelines
You take what’s handed to you
And make a nickle of it
In this moment
If I had the chance to
I would be greedy and make you stay
Stay just a little bit longer
Stay so I can tell you
About everything you won’t get to be a part of
Stay just so I can have more time
Time…
Time is nothing but an illusion
An illusion I wish did not apply to us
I dream of my home
That familiar scent
That radiance of love
That feeling of comfort
That liberating feeling of safety
My home is a three letter word
…Mom…

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They All Left Scars

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They all left scars. 

Each one worse than the one before.
I see them,
I feel them.
Even the ones I try pretend don’t exist.

They all left scars.
Some more than others but they hurt all the same.

They all left scars.
Each one promising to heal the previous ones but they end up expanding on the already existing scar tissue moulding it into their own. Creating more craters and gulfs I can’t fill.

They all left scars.
Permanent tattoos I fail to elude. I just can’t escape them.

These scars are an unwavering reminder of how foolish and brave I was to allow myself to let you in completely, knowing full well you would break everything.

I’m reminded every time I take a breath. These scars on my heart make it hard to breathe when my veins are constricted with clots of heartache.

Bruised, fractured and broken…

I am a walking scar.

The One

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If I say you are The One, would you believe me?

If I asked you to stay, would you show me the way?

If I asked you to drown me in your love, would you never let me feel your rain?

First Time

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The first time I fell in love

I dove

Head first

Completely immensed myself

I didn’t know what the hell I was getting into

But I loved it…

And I hated all at once

It happened at a time when

I was looking for any sort of distraction

From the pain of losing my world

I needed to feel a different kind of pain

And boy, weren’t you perfect

It was a fast kind of love, super intense

Loving you was the most exquiste form of self destruction

An unfortunate fortunate experience

One I haven’t quite fully recovered from

… Will I ever?…

The second time I fell in love

Was a deliberate event

I took the scenic route

I loved thoroughly and cautiously

Daring not to repeat the same mistakes

No distractions needed

The first time taught me better

It was a slow kind of love

I took my time with it

Ran from it a few times

Too petrified to admit

I loved you with every piece of my soul

True love?

One would think

Love is easy some say

And I thought I had found it

I was careful this time

I followed the rules this time

But, that’s not how this game is played

Following the rules

Doesn’t guarantee

The Love will stay

Now, all I’m left with are

Lies, Half truths,

Empty promises

And a shattered heart

And it all began with…

The First Time

Breathe

tears

Close your eyes

Take a deep breath

…Wait for it…

Don’t rush it

It shall pass

… The Pain…

The pain that renders you Speechless

Motionless and Numb

Count to ten

Just like you practiced

“I AM STRONG”

Self mantra

I feel the pain

Rolling down my cheeks

These tears tell you

Everything I keep hidden inside

and fail to put in words

But you don’t see it

Take a deep breath

I know it will pass

Take it one moment at a time

…God help me…

This hurt

A little more than usual

My knees buckle to the floor

“I just want to be ok… I want to forget You”

Pieces of Me

pieces

When you came into my life

You filled up all the empty spaces

I was tip toeing around

Trying not to fall into

You seamlessly became a part of me

Your pieces

Became My Pieces

I can’t even tell

Which ones are yours anymore…

(to be continued)

Before I Fall

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Before I fall too fast, Kiss me quick, But make it last

So I can see how badly this will hurt me

When you say goodbye,

Keep it sweet, keep it slow

Let the future pass, and don’t let go…

Departure

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I need to leave again…
I don’t know
How to stay in one place

I need to leave again…
But I’m hoping you’ll
Give me a reason to stay

I need to leave again…
But if I leave this time
I’m afraid it’ll be forever.

 

Rebel

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They called me Rebel
Because I was such a savage.

Heartbreaker…
Never gave a fuck
I should come with a warning sign,
Or so they said
Feelings were not something
I cared to dabble in

Dangerous woman…
I was once a saint
Turned sinner
Nothing but a body count
Of broken hearts left in my wake

Walking addiction…
One hit and you’re hooked
Use as directed
Misuse always got them in trouble
He was drawn to the trouble
Like a moth to a flame
Never realising that the very same thing
That drew him in would be the cause of his demise

You were good for a while
My little decoy
On some faded love shit
Thought you had me forever
But
Don’t be mad baby
It was nothing personal
You were just another nigga
Off my check list

Thought I was one of them “princess” types right?
The whole nines right?
White horse and a carriage
Relationship types right?
Promise to stay loyal
And we’ll always have each other right?
But you never could imagine
Even the truth was a lie

Temptation…
It’s in the eyes
Slowly look up at you
Enmoured
I can see straight down to your soul
Ready to bear all
Definitely sealed it with my entrancing smile
And that sweetheart is
…The Rebel effect…

Ice cold heart
I dare you an attempt to thaw
Thor?
No honey
Not even the god of thunder
Can avenge that tragedy

There will always be something
At the back of your mind
To remaind you
She.
Will.
Never.
Be.
Me.
When you kiss her,
It’s me you’ll taste,
The irresistible softness of my “lips” that just begged you for more.
Touch her and you’ll feel the gentle curves of my derrière 
Arched back and all.
She may embody some of my good charms, but we are not the same.
She
Will
Never
Be
Me
You know why?
Because those scars on your heart will always be mine.

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