What Happened To Us

Empty

Emptiness
What’s the beach minus the Ocean,
Speed without motion
Where did it all disappear to?
All the love
The love that could fill an entire castle 

Mist
Like mist on a mirror
It faded
Gradually, lingering
Hoping to leave a mark
To no avail
Phantom

Love
My love you could not handle
Taken for granted still I waited
The joy I would get to see you smile, your laughter
All my efforts went over your head
Love strangled
Eventually faded

Time
Holding memories past
Memories that won’t last
A distant thought
Vanished into thin air

Stranger
Do you recognise me
Me changed
By you, by me
By who I’m meant to be
What happened to trust?
When intrinsically our hearts would beat with one thrust

Unnerved
Don’t like what you see
Life without you
Carrying on effortlessly

Nothingness
This nothingness plagues me
Everything to nothing
Nothing to something…

Stuck in the past …
Lust
The unending craving to know your mind
Is what I was after
Something I once knew
All this is passed due

                   To me you are like pushing daisies.

The One

I wrote this piece in January but felt it was incomplete. After months of “soul searching” I was finally able to finish it. 

I Dream a Dream

Some nights I lay awake

Still,
Alone
Just my thoughts and I
Tears streaming down
Wondering if I actually said
What I was feeling out loud
Would it change anything?
I hurt so deeply
I’m numb
Façade
I don’t trust anyone enough…
Enough for them to understand
But not pity me
Don’t get me wrong
I’m no damsel in distress
I just long for some understanding…

Understanding from a familiar place

From days gone past

A lifetime ago

A long lost dream
I dream to get back to
But not in this life I’m afraid
I would have to travel a long way
Or so it would seem in this dimension
But a blink of an eye in the next
I dream of the home
Where she is
Home…
My home
You left me stranded
Now I seek shelter
In places that somewhat bear some resemblance
To you but deep down I know are just cheap thrills
Temporary highs to balance out the lows
Lows
I found a good one for a while
I felt like I could breathe again
Just like Novacaine
I could feel some version of normal
This new normal
I did not choose this you see
There are no rules or guidelines
You take what’s handed to you
And make a nickle of it
In this moment
If I had the chance to
I would be greedy and make you stay
Stay just a little bit longer
Stay so I can tell you
About everything you won’t get to be a part of
Stay just so I can have more time
Time…
Time is nothing but an illusion
An illusion I wish did not apply to us
I dream of my home
That familiar scent
That radiance of love
That feeling of comfort
That liberating feeling of safety
My home is a three letter word
…Mom…

They All Left Scars

They all left scars. 

Each one worse than the one before.
I see them,
I feel them.
Even the ones I try pretend don’t exist.

They all left scars.
Some more than others but they hurt all the same.

They all left scars.
Each one promising to heal the previous ones but they end up expanding on the already existing scar tissue moulding it into their own. Creating more craters and gulfs I can’t fill.

They all left scars.
Permanent tattoos I fail to elude. I just can’t escape them.

These scars are an unwavering reminder of how foolish and brave I was to allow myself to let you in completely, knowing full well you would break everything.

I’m reminded every time I take a breath. These scars on my heart make it hard to breathe when my veins are constricted with clots of heartache.

Bruised, fractured and broken…

I am a walking scar.

The One

 

If I say you are The One, would you believe me?

If I asked you to stay, would you show me the way?

If I asked you to drown me in your love, would you never let me feel your rain?

First Time

 

The first time I fell in love

I dove

Head first

Completely immensed myself

I didn’t know what the hell I was getting into

But I loved it…

And I hated all at once

It happened at a time when

I was looking for any sort of distraction

From the pain of losing my world

I needed to feel a different kind of pain

And boy, weren’t you perfect

It was a fast kind of love, super intense

Loving you was the most exquiste form of self destruction

An unfortunate fortunate experience

One I haven’t quite fully recovered from

… Will I ever?…

The second time I fell in love

Was a deliberate event

I took the scenic route

I loved thoroughly and cautiously

Daring not to repeat the same mistakes

No distractions needed

The first time taught me better

It was a slow kind of love

I took my time with it

Ran from it a few times

Too petrified to admit

I loved you with every piece of my soul

True love?

One would think

Love is easy some say

And I thought I had found it

I was careful this time

I followed the rules this time

But, that’s not how this game is played

Following the rules

Doesn’t guarantee

The Love will stay

Now, all I’m left with are

Lies, Half truths,

Empty promises

And a shattered heart

And it all began with…

The First Time

Breathe

Close your eyes

Take a deep breath

…Wait for it…

Don’t rush it

It shall pass

… The Pain…

The pain that renders you Speechless

Motionless and Numb

Count to ten

Just like you practiced

“I AM STRONG”

Self mantra

I feel the pain

Rolling down my cheeks

These tears tell you

Everything I keep hidden inside

and fail to put in words

But you don’t see it

Take a deep breath

I know it will pass

Take it one moment at a time

…God help me…

This hurt

A little more than usual

My knees buckle to the floor

“I just want to be ok… I want to forget You”

Pieces of Me

When you came into my life

You filled up all the empty spaces

I was tip toeing around

Trying not to fall into

You seamlessly became a part of me

Your pieces

Became My Pieces

I can’t even tell

Which ones are yours anymore…

(to be continued)

Before I Fall

Before I fall too fast, Kiss me quick, But make it last

So I can see how badly this will hurt me

When you say goodbye,

Keep it sweet, keep it slow

Let the future pass, and don’t let go…